LISTENING SKILLS
2.1 Introduction
Listening can be
described as a skill that involves receiving, interpreting and responding to
the message sent by the communicator. Like any other skill, listening also
needs to be learnt and developed for effective communication. It is, in fact,
one of the most important skills that plays a vital role in the breakdown of
communication or wrong, improper and incomplete communication. Message can be
lost, misunderstandings may crop up and people perceive or may be perceived
wrongly.
A vital skill in
becoming an effective communicator is the ability to listen. Listening skills
are not taught in school, and sadly are largely undeveloped skill in many
people. To listen effectively is a powerful skill that can be learnt and
practiced. You will gain more respect and esteem through listening rather than
through talking.
There is however a
great difference between hearing and listening. Hearing refers to the physical
dimension of the sound waves striking the ear and the brain processing them into
meaningful information. Listening, however, involves far more than the hearing
process. It incorporates paying attention and focusing with the intention of
understanding and responding appropriately.
The most basic of all
human needs is the need to understand and to be understood. The best way to
understand people is to listen to them. Not only that but when people feel that
you have really listened to them, you will gain their respect and they will
value and give you the credibility to speak.
Consider how you feel
when you sense someone is really listening to what you have to say. You feel
good, you feel understood, and more connected to the person who is listening.
The fact that they are interested causes you to feel cared for.
The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and to be
understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.
One important element
of listening is the ability to attend. Attending is the process where we focus
in on a message and filter out others that are distracting. It is to be able to
focus on what the person is saying, and filter out all the other things that
may be happening at the same time.
Someone once said
that the reason history repeats itself is because no one was listening the
first time. One of the biggest distractions to attending is our desire to talk.
The desire to talk is so strong that while the other person is talking we can
be thinking about what we are going to say next, and waiting for an opportunity
to speak. As we focus on what we are going to say or interject, our attention
goes from what the person is saying to our own thoughts. Although appearing to
be interested and attentive, we can easily be distracted by our thoughts or
something else that may be happening at the same time. At that point perhaps we
do fall into merely hearing and not listening. Our mind's attention has drifted
onto other things and is no longer intent on understanding and responding.
True listening is a
skill which needs to be learnt and practiced because the mind functions seven
times more quickly than it is possible to speak. Therefore the mind needs to be
slowed down and focused on what the person is saying, and not pay attention to
other irrelevant thoughts or distractions.
One must-read book is
"The Success Principles" written by Jack Canfield.[1]
One of the Principles he writes about in the book is how to use the power of
listening as a way of building rapport and connecting with people. Jack created
a series of four questions that he uses in personal and business situations. He
asks the questions one after another. The first time he tried it was with his
sister Kim. He asked the first question and listened to her response. When she
had finished he asked the next question, and continued in this manner through
all the questions. Afterwards Kim smiled said to him "That's the best
conversation I think we've ever had. I feel so clear and focused. I know
exactly what I need to go and do now. Thank you" He was amazed as he
hadn't said a word except to ask the four questions, and had resisted the
inclination to jump in with his own responses. He has found this works every
time and uses the questions frequently.
People need to
practice and acquire skills to be good listeners, because a speaker cannot
throw you information in the same manner that a dart player tosses a dart at a
passive dartboard. Information is an intangible substance that must be sent by
the speaker and received by an active listener.
2.2 The
‘Face It’ Solution for Effective Listening
Many people are
familiar with the scene of the child standing in front of dad, just bursting to
tell him what happened in school that day. Unfortunately, dad has the paper in
front of his face and even when he drops the paper down half-way, it is visibly
apparent that he is not really listening.
A student solved the
problem of getting dad to listen from behind his protective paper wall. Her
solution was to say, "Move your face, dad, when I'm talking to you.'' This
simple solution will force even the poorest listener to adopt effective
listening skills because it captures the essence of good listening.
2.2.1 Good
Listeners Listen with Their Faces
The first skill that
you can practice to be a good listener is to act like a good listener. We have
spent a lot of our modern lives working at tuning out all of the information
that is thrust at us. It therefore becomes important to change our physical
body language from that of a deflector to that of a receiver, much like a
satellite dish. Our faces contain most of the receptive equipment in our
bodies, so it is only natural that we should tilt our faces towards the channel
of information.
A second skill is to
use the other bodily receptors besides your ears. You can be a better listener
when you look at the other person. Your eyes pick up the non-verbal signals
that all people send out when they are speaking. By looking at the speaker,
your eyes will also complete the eye contact that speakers are trying to make.
A speaker will work harder at sending out the information when they see a
receptive audience in attendance. Your eyes help complete the communication
circuit that must be established between speaker and listener.
When you have
established eye and face contact with your speaker, you must then react to the
speaker by sending out non-verbal signals. Your face must move and give the
range of emotions that indicate whether you are following what the speaker has
to say. By moving your face to the information, you can better concentrate on
what the person is saying. Your face must become an active and contoured
catcher of information.
It is extremely
difficult to receive information when your mouth is moving information out at
the same time. A good listener will stop talking and use receptive language
instead. Use the I see . . . un hunh . . . oh really words and phrases that
follow and encourage your speaker's train of thought. This forces you to react
to the ideas presented, rather than the person. You can then move to asking
questions, instead of giving your opinion on the information being presented.
It is a true listening skill to use your mouth as a moving receptor of
information rather than a broadcaster.
A final skill is to
move your mind to concentrate on what the speaker is saying. You cannot fully
hear their point of view or process information when you argue mentally or
judge what they are saying before they have completed. An open mind is a mind
that is receiving and listening to information.
If you really want to
listen, you will act like a good listener. Good listeners are good catchers
because they give their speakers a target and then move that target to capture
the information that is being sent. When good listeners aren't understanding
their speakers, they will send signals to the speaker about what they expect
next, or how the speaker can change the speed of information delivery to suit
the listener. Above all, a good listener involves all of their face to be an
active moving listener.
2.2.2 Things to Remember
(1) If you are really listening intently, you
should feel tired after your speaker has finished. Effective listening is an
active rather than a passive activity.
(2) When you find yourself drifting away
during a listening session, change your body position and concentrate on using
one of the above skills. Once one of the skills is being used, the other active
skills will come into place as well.
(3) Your body position defines whether you
will have the chance of being a good listener or a good deflector. Good
listeners are like poor boxers: they lead with their faces.
(4) Meaning cannot just be transmitted as a
tangible substance by the speaker. It must also be stimulated or aroused in the
receiver. The receiver must therefore be an active participant for the
cycle of communication to be complete.
2.3 Hearing
and Listening
Most of the problems
discussed above, crop up because we do not distinguish between the two
activities, listening and hearing. “Hearing” is primarily a physical act that
depends on the ears. Unless there is a physical disability or problems such as
noise or distance, it happens automatically. It requires no special effort as
such from the listener. “Listening”, on the other hand, is a much more
conscious activity that demands a lot more than just hearing. It requires the
conscious involvement of the listener, the acknowledgement of understanding and
response. The listener here has to hear, analyze, judge and conclude. When a
person listens, he/she is constructing a parallel message based on the sound
clues received from the speaker and verifying whether his/her message
corresponds with what he/she hears. Hence, listening is an active process in
which the listener plays a very active part in constructing the overall message
that is eventually exchanged between the listener and the speaker. It is a
process that equally engages the speaker as well as the listener. Even as the
listener is listening, he/she has to process the facts, study the body language
of the speaker and also project the appropriate body language to the speaker.
The speaker, in turn, has to cognize the feedback given by listener and
respond. It is, in other words, like a sea-saw, where both the listener and the
speaker monitor one another’s response and then act. A person who listens well
and engineers appropriate body language, is seen as a “good conversationalist”
even though he actually speaks less. This is active listening.
2.4 Active
Listening
Most of the problems
in listening arise because of the discrepancy in our speeds of talking and
listening. On an average, we can speak around 120 to words 150 words a minute.
But the brain is capable of processing 500 to 750 words a minute. Most of the
brain is idle when we are just listening. Attention thus gets dissipated and
the mind starts getting engaged in other things. As a result, our listening
becomes partial and selective. Often again, instead of listening and trying to
understand what the other person is saying, we get more involved in forming our
counter-arguments. This also becomes a kind of selective listening where more
than listening we are involved in our own response. In effective and active
listening, the listener, after grasping the content the speaker, gets engaged
in trying to understand him/her. He/she looks at the problem from the other
person’s perspective, engineers appropriate body language while giving the
speaker constant feedback. This process, as mentioned earlier, is as engaging
as talking. Thus, it leaves no empty space in the listener’s mind for
speculation or formation of anti-discourse. This process involves many
elements, four of which are mentioned below:
(1) Eye Contact
(2) Facial Expression
(3) Sitting Posture
(4) Head Movement
Take more topics like
“classical music”, “network-marketing” or “job-hopping”, select people with
strong opinions for and against the topic and repeat the exercises. In every
case, note the difference in the body language during the two exercises. Make a
list of the common differences you found in the body movements. Anyone from the
audience can make a brief presentation of it. Include in the list any
commonality in the feelings that the participants reported. Put together, these
can be seen as the basic differences in how people react during “hearing” and
“listening.”
2.5 Kinds of
Listening
The exercises make it
evident that there are different kinds of listening. Depending on the quality,
listening has been divided into four types.
a. Ignoring: This is the kind of listening where the
listener is entirely ignoring the message as well as the message giver. He/she
might be “pretending” to listen while doing or thinking something else. This
can be very damaging because the listener’s lack of participation becomes
evident through the body language. The speaker might feel snubbed and hurt,
which might lead to a total breakdown of communication. The same preoccupation
might also result in the listener not noticing the reaction of the speaker.
b. Selective
Listening: Selective Listening is listening to parts of
the conversation while ignoring most of it. This is the kind of listening we
practice often while listening to repeated public announcements or even the TV
news if we are looking out for some specific information. If we are waiting for
news about the cancellation of trains on a certain route, for example,
extensive coverage about a cricket match or weather it is most likely to be at
the fringe of hearing. We register the broad topic at times but the details are
ignored. The brain registers the topics and then dismisses them or just “shuts
off.”
This often happens in classrooms too. Many
students practice selective listening. Rarely is the whole lecture listened to,
with the same intensity. Individual students pick up topics of their concern or
interest in a lecture and pay close attention to it. The rest of the content is
either given peripheral attention or ignored.
It is interesting to note the way the body
language changes instantaneously when the listener moves from the non-listening
to the listening phase. The facial expression becomes more focused. The eyes,
especially, show a lot more concentration. The listener might even lean forward
in the chair or towards the speaker or might straighten up and turn towards the
direction the message is coming from. When the message has been observed, the
body language relaxes visibly. This can be noticed in the slumping of the
shoulders and diminishing eye-contact. During any conversation, it is very
important for the speaker to look out for these signs. If the listener or
listeners are listening only selectively, the structuring of he content may
need to be altered; the material be made more relevant, or repetitions be
altered; the material be made more relevant, or repetitions be avoided. But if
you are a listener engaged in conversation with a speaker, beware. Your body
language will most probably give away that you are listening only partially!
c. Attentive
Listening: Attentive listening is a kind of listening
where there is no selective dismissal. The listener listens to the speaker
completely, attentively, without glossing over or ignoring any part of the
speech. This is the kind of listening we find when there is a discussion, for
example, on a topic we are interested in or we are critically examining a piece
of information for further discussion. Critical listening allows us to from an
opinion of the topic being discussed and even designs our response
appropriately. It allows us to assess the perspective of the speaker and weigh
the arguments appropriately.
d. Empathetic
Listening:
This is the ultimate kink of listening that is done not just to listen but to
understand the speaker’s world as he sees it. Here, one empathizes with the
speaker, understands his viewpoint but does not necessarily agree with him.
This kind of listening has an almost therapeutic effect on both the speaker and
the listener.
Empathetic listening is different from
attentive listening or critical listening. As Stephen Covey[2]
puts it, here listening gets into “another person’s frame of reference. It is
listening not only with one’s ears but one’s heart.” To quote Covey again, “you
listen for feeling, for meaning. You use both your right brain as well as your
left. You sense, you intuit, you feel.”This is the kind of listening a friend
gives to another friend when the later feels the need to speak or a sympathetic
parent gives to the growing child if he/she has come back from school troubled.
Activity
Look around you and make a note of the situations when you and others
listeners you’ll find them in plenty! Try and categorize them. Note five
situations when you think you and others do the following kinds of listening:
i. Critical
Listening ii.
Selective
Listening
a. a.
b. b.
c. c.
d. d.
e. e.
iii. Ignoring
a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
4. Make a note of a situation when you
thought that you were adequately listened. Use three adjectives to describe how
you felt. Try to recollect what it was in the person that made you feel so. Use
three adjectives to describe the attributes of the listener.
Your Feelings Listener’s
Behaviour
a.
a.
b.
b.
c.
c.
Recollect five
points about the body language and facial expressions of the person
a.
b.
2.6 Reasons for Ineffective Listening
Following
five are the most common reasons for ineffective listening:
(1) Physical
Reasons: One chief cause of bad
listening could be a person’s inability to hear properly. Noise and distance
too could become barriers to listening properly or not listening at all. Anyone
who has tried talking on a running train or pass a message to someone across a
crowded street has experienced what a physical barrier could be.
(2) Age
and Attitude: Age and attitude
are sometimes reasons for not listening well. A four-year-old child’s constant
conversation is likely to be ignored by most parents. A teenaged some or
daughter is likely to ignore the parent’s constant caution about driving rules.
Different of age often makes one feel that the person speaking cannot possibly
have anything interesting or relevant to say. This often creates an attitudinal
block, which results in the listener ignoring he message or assimilating it
partially.
(3) Mind-set: Sometimes the listener is already
conditioned to think that the speaker will adopt a particular attitude or a
live of argument. If a conversation begins with this kind of mind-set, it is
obvious that no ‘listening’ or communication will take place. The listener
might entirely ignore what the speaker will say or listen to only what he/she
thinks the speaker will say. Meanings here will be wrongly inferred and vital
parts of the conversation will be skipped.
This kind of a
mind-set can be extremely harmful in both professional and personal
interactions. If one comes to the negotiation table, for instance, with a
closed mind determined to reject the opponent’s proposal, there is little
chance for the talks to progress and reach a resolution. In interpersonal
situations, similarly, if one is pre-determined to look at a person or his/her
talk in a particular light, there is little chance of forming a correct opinion
about the person and his/her views. Such conditioning often prevents a bad
situation from getting better. It makes one blind to the fact that people might
be willing to change and be more accommodative.
(4) Language: Language can be yet another reason why
people don’t listen correctly. It could be the problem of a French speaker
speaking English or a Tamilian trying to speak Hindi. The mother-tongue
interference plays a major role and prevents the listener from listening
correctly. It is important, therefore, to make sure that we speak the language
we are conversing in with reasonable clarity. It is important to be aware of
our pronunciation, tone, pitch, modulation and stress.
Language, again, can
sometimes be very context specific. A group of college boys and girls talking
in the college canteen for example can have an altogether different register.
Slang might be used in specific ‘Listening’ here will mean being familiar with
the particular register. Unfamiliarity can become a barrier to listening. In
specific knowledge areas and professions, certain words have specific meanings.
Unless specified, these too can become barrier to listening comprehension. The
same is true of in-house acronyms.
(5) Careless
Listening: It is common sight to
see people looking at papers, sifting through lists or even fidgeting with
objects like paper weights, while listening. This can put the speaker in a very
awkward position. He/she has no clue as to what the reaction of listener is or
even whether the listener is listening or not. Such actions can be annoying for
the speaker is saying. It can also indicate to the speaker that what he/she is
saying is not important for the listener. This kind of gesture can seriously
hamper communication if used by superiors in a workplace or in any
interpersonal communication. If the speaker doesn’t feel ‘listened to’, the
acts of communication will always remain incomplete. Listening, too, in such
cases is bound to be partial. Even if the facts are conveyed, understanding of
the facts is generally inadequate or incomplete.
Such habits are
commonly observed during telephonic conversations too. Since the listener is
not present in front, speakers often do paper work, fidget, drawing diagrams,
and so on. The speaker, in fact, should be more careful during a telephonic
conversation. The listener has no inputs from the speaker except the voice,
pitch, modulation and pauses. Body language and facial expressions are absent
in this form of communication. So the language being used, the pitch and
modulation and especially the pauses, have to be used very carefully to convey
the right shade of communication or even avoid miscommunication.
Activity
Role-play
1. You come back home
late after a hard day’s work and your husband greets you saying. “It was a
terrible day for me. My bike had a flat tire. I forgot my papers at home. The
work had to be redone in office. And when I came back, I found that the kid had
not eaten in the afternoon. I’ve been trying to feed her since then. But she
refuses to touch the food. She’s just stubborn and unreasonable.”
You
reply saying:
Ÿ I’ve had my share of
problems too today.
Ÿ This girl needs a
real spanking!
Ÿ You’ve been really
stressed out today.
Ÿ Can’t you see I’m
just back?
In this case,
analyze what each of the answers would mean and decide which would be the best
possible response to avoid any emotional escalation.
2. This is a game of Chinese Whisper.
Choose five volunteers from the class. Ask four of them to wait outside. Read
the contents given below to the only volunteer present inside and the rest of
the class. Ask the people outside to come in one by one. The first volunteer
should repeat it to the second, the second to the third and so on. Observe the
way the message changes. After the fifth person listens to it, ask him/her to
repeat it once to all present. Compare it with what was said first. (This is
done to show how message gets lost while traveling; what we listen to and what
we ignore; the manner in which we summarize, interpret and recreate while
listening.)
“A scooter was coming
at great speed from the south end of the factory and trying to move towards the
North West
2.7 Good
Listening
A good listener pays attention to
following details:
(1) Try
to understand the speaker’s perspective: It is not necessary to agree with the
speaker, but a good listener will always
try to see things from the speaker’s perspective.
(2) Listen
with the whole body: As we have seen, the listener is as active a
participant in the act of conversation as the speaker is. For the speaker, the
body language of the listener is one of the most important sources of getting
feedback. The posture, facial expressions and eye contact are important clues
for the speaker to go on speaking or stop. They can encourage, discourage or
even snub the speaker. If you want the speaker to feel reassured, listen with
your whole body; let the speaker know that you are listening with
understanding.
(3) Do
not judge prematurely: Since the brain can process speech much faster
than one can speak, it is easy to think ahead, judge the talk and even evaluate
the speaker and his talk. A good listener, however, will always try to look at
the speaker’s perspective, try to understand why the speaker feels the way
he/she feels. Therefore, if you want to be a good listener, avoid judging the
speaker’s talk or personality prematurely. Give some time. Try to understand
and then arrive at a conclusion.
(4) Paraphrase
the speaker: A good speaker
while listening might also paraphrase the speech of the speaker. This may not
be a detailed paraphrasing, but responding in a few words. Adding nothing,
changing nothing, asking no questions, just summarizing the speaker’s thought,
informing him how he is being understood.
2.8 Real
Listening is an Active Process that has Three Basic Steps.
(1) Hearing.
Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying.
For example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker
mentioned that no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have
heard what has been said.
(2) Understanding. The next part of listening happens when you
take what you have heard and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to
that report on zebras. When you hear that no two are alike, think about what
that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this means that the pattern of
stripes is different for each zebra."
(3) Judging.
After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about
whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think,
"How could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again,
the fingerprints are different for every person. I think this seems
believable."
2.9 Tips
for Being a Good Listener
Given below are
some useful tips on becoming a good listener.
(1) Give your full
attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look out the window or at what
else is going on in the room.
(2) Make sure your mind
is focused, too. It can be easy to let your mind wander if you think you know
what the person is going to say next, but you might be wrong! If you feel your
mind wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the
speaker's words.
(3) Let the speaker
finish before you begin to talk. Speakers appreciate having the chance to say
everything they would like to say without being interrupted. When you
interrupt, it looks like you aren't listening, even if you really are.
(4) Let yourself finish
listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are busy
thinking about what you want say next.
(5) Listen for main
ideas. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to get
across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated a
number of times. Pay special attention to statements that begin with phrases
such as "My point is..." or "The thing to remember is..."
(6) Ask questions. If you
are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It is a good
idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure
your understanding is correct. For example, you might say, "When you said
that no two zebras are alike, did you mean that the stripes are different on
each one?"
(7) Give feedback. Sit up
straight and look directly at the speaker. Now and then, nod to show that you
understand. At appropriate points you may also smile, frown, laugh, or be
silent. These are all ways to let the speaker know that you are really
listening. Remember, you listen with your face as well as your ears!
Activity
Find a
practice partner. Take turns telling events from your lives. As you listen to
your practice partner, sum up your practice partner’s overall experience and
feelings in brief responses during the telling:
Your notes
on this exercise:
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