INTERPERSONAL
SKILLS
8.1 Introduction and Importance
One
of the most distinct aspects of being alive is the potential for joy, fun,
excitement, caring, warmth and personal fulfillment in your relationships with
other people. Making new friends, deepening ongoing relationships, even falling
in love, depend upon your interpersonal skills. Much of human society and human
action seems based upon the liking people have for each other. The words which name degrees of
interpersonal interaction, such as like, love, dislike and hate are among the
most frequently used words in the English language. Because man is a social
animal, most of his happiness and fulfillment rests upon his ability to relate
effectively to other human. In addition, the foundations of all civilizations
rest upon man’s ability to cooperate with other humans and to coordinate his
actions with theirs. We are dependent upon other people for much of our
personal happiness and fulfillment, and we must work effectively in order to
engage in our vocations and avocations competently. There is no way to
overemphasize the importance of interpersonal skills in our lives.
What
makes us human is the way we interact with other people. To the extent that our relationships reflect
concern, friendship, love, caring, helping, kindness and responsiveness we are
becoming more human. To the extent that our relationships reflect the opposite
of such qualities as these we are becoming more inhuman. It is the cruelty to
and the destruction of other people that we label inhumane; it is the positive
involvement with other people which we label humane.
Effective
interpersonal skills do not just happen, nor do they appear magically; they are
learned. The purpose of this essay is to help you increase your skills in
initiating, developing, and maintaining effective, fulfilling relationships
with other people. For those of us who work requires a great deal of
interaction with other people (such as teachers, counselors, supervisors,
social workers), the ability to relate to other individuals in productive and
meaningful ways is a necessity. For those of us who feel that our growth and
development as a person depend upon the quality of our personal friendships,
the skills involved in creating such relationships are a necessity. To
initiate, develop, and maintain effective and fulfilling relationships certain
basic skills must be present. These skills generally fall into four areas:
Ÿ Knowing and trusting
each other,
Ÿ Accurately and
unambiguously understand each other,
Ÿ Influencing and
helping each other, and
Ÿ Constructively
resolving problems and conflicts in your relationship.
The
first area of skill development involves self-disclosure, self-awareness, self-acceptance,
and trust. There must be a high level of trust between you and the other person
in order for you to get to know each other. Getting to know each other involves
disclosing how you are reacting to and feeling about what is presently taking
place. Such openness depends upon your self-awareness and your self-acceptance;
if you are unaware of your feelings and reactions you cannot communicate them
to another person and if you cannot accept your feelings and reactions you will
try to hide them.
The
second area of skill development focuses upon being able to communicate your
ideas and feelings accurately and unambiguously. Especially important is the
communication of warmth and liking. Unless you feel the other person likes you
and he feels you like him, a relationship will not grow.
When
a friend asks for help, what is the best way to respond? When someone you know
is going through a personal or family crisis and needs your support, what is
the best way to express your concern? The third area of skill development
concerns mutual and influence in the relationship. Responding in helpful way to
another person’s problems and concerns, communicating acceptance and support,
constructively confronting a friend, using reinforcement and modeling to influence
another person’s behavior are all important relationship skills.
Finally,
learning how to resolve problems and conflicts in ways that bring you and the
other person closer together and facilitate the growth and development of the
relationship is vitally important to maintaining a relationship.
8.1.1 Learning New
Interpersonal Skills
There
is a five-step process for learning a new skill:
(1) Becoming aware of the
need for and uses of a new skill.
(2) Identifying the
behaviors involved in the new skill.
(3) Practicing the
behaviors.
(4) Receiving feedback
concerning how well you are performing the behaviors.
(5) Integrating the
behaviors into your behavioral repertoire.
While
you practice the behaviors involved in the skills discussed, you may feel at
first self-conscious, and awkward. Practicing the behaviors may sometimes seem
more like role-playing than genuine behavior. Do not let it stand in the way of
increasing your interpersonal skills. It is through role-playing that most new
skills are developed. If you keep practicing the behaviors, the
self-consciousness and awkwardness will pass and you will become quite
comfortable in using your increased skills.
A
mechanical process is involved in specifying the behaviors that constitute a
skill and in practicing them. While you engage in the exercises, you may at
times feels the process is somewhat mechanical and unreal. But this is true for
every kind of skill development. Learning how to play the piano, for example,
also involves the mechanical practice of specific behaviors that seem unreal
compared to the performance of a beautiful piano concerto. It is when you apply
your new skills to real situations that they will gain the fire and life that
may sometimes be lacking from practicing the exercises.[1]
CHAPTER
– 9
NEGOTIATION
9.1 Introduction
Negotiation can be defined as:
"To communicate with the objective of reaching an agreement by means,
where appropriate, of compromise. Simply speaking it is a discussion intended
to produce an agreement.
Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more
people or parties, intended to reach an understanding, resolve point of
difference, or gain advantage in outcome of dialogue, to produce an agreement
upon courses of action, to bargain for individual or collective advantage, to
craft outcomes to satisfy various interests of two people/parties involved in
negotiation process. Negotiation is a process where each party involved in
negotiating tries to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the
process. Negotiation is intended to aim at compromise. Negotiation occurs in
business, non-profit organizations, government branches, legal proceedings,
among nations and in personal situations in everyday life.
Example: Two sisters were negotiating, arguing
actually, over possession of their last orange, so the story goes. Finally,
they decided to split it in half. The elder sister took her half of the orange
and used only the rind for baking, throwing away the pulp. The younger sister
squeezed her half to make juice and threw away the rind. If they had been
better at negotiating, they would have realized that both could have come out
ahead, one getting all of the rind and the other getting all the fruit. This
simple parable shows one of many aspects of negotiation.
9.2 Negotiation & Negotiator
Negotiation is a
technique of discussing issues among one selves and reaching to a conclusion
benefiting all involved in the discussion.
It is one of the most effective ways to avoid conflicts and tensions. When
individuals do not agree with each other, they sit together, discuss issues on
an open forum, negotiate with each other and come to an alternative which
satisfies all. In a layman’s language it is also termed as bargaining.
Negotiator is an individual representing an organization or a
position who listens to all the parties carefully and comes to a conclusion
which is willingly acceptable to all is called the negotiator.
9.3 Skills of a negotiator
A negotiator
ideally should be impartial and neutral and should not favour any one. He needs
to understand the situation and the parties well and decide something which
will benefit all. It is not always that people will easily accept the
negotiator’s decision; they may counter it if they feel their personal
interests are not satisfied. In such a situation, where the negotiator is left
with no choice, he must use his power to impose his ideas on all, after all one
can’t please everyone. A negotiator has to be a little tactful and smart enough
to handle all situations and reach to a conclusion.
9.4 Types of Negotiators
Three
basic kinds of negotiators have been identified by researchers involved in The
Harvard Negotiation Project. These types of negotiators are: Soft
bargainers, hard bargainers, and principled
bargainers.
·
Soft: These people see negotiation as too
close to competition, so they choose a gentle style of bargaining. The offers
they make are not in their best interests, they yield to others’ demands, avoid
confrontation, and they maintain good relations with fellow negotiators. Their
perception of others is one of friendship, and their goal is agreement. They do
not separate the people from the problem, but are soft on both. They avoid
contests of wills and will insist on agreement, offering solutions and easily
trusting others and changing their opinions.
·
Hard: These people use contentious
strategies to influence, utilizing phrases such as “this is my final offer” and
“take it or leave it.” They make threats, are distrustful of others, insist on
their position, and apply pressure to negotiate. They see others as adversaries
and their ultimate goal is victory. Additionally, they will search for one
single answer, and insist you agree on it. They do not separate the people from
the problem (as with soft bargainers), but they are hard on both the people
involved and the problem.
·
Principled: Individuals who bargain this way
seek integrative solutions, and do so by sidestepping commitment to specific
positions. They focus on the problem rather than the intentions, motives, and
needs of the people involved. They separate the people from the problem,
explore interests, avoid bottom lines, and reach results based on standards
(which are independent of personal will). They base their choices on objective
criteria rather than power, pressure, self-interest, or an arbitrary decisional
procedure. These criteria may be drawn from moral standards, principles of
fairness, professional standards, tradition, and so on.
9.5 Some
Truths about Negotiation
While
considering negotiation, let us first look into some basic principles that hold
good in all negotiable situations.
·
Negotiation
is entirely a voluntary activity. Either of the parties can refuse to negotiate
at any time.
·
Whatever
be the topic and kind of negotiation, the outcome is largely dependent on the values,
attitudes, personal beliefs and emotions of the people at the table.
·
Negotiation
starts because at least one or both the parties feel dissatisfied with the
present situation. The want to change and the belief that a mutually agreeable
solution is possible.
·
A
successful negotiation is not always a win-lose situation. It is both parties
being satisfied with the result.
·
Timing
is an extremely important factor in negotiation. Coming up with the right
proposal at the right time invariably decides the success of the negotiation
activity.
9.6 Elements of Negotiation
Following are the Elements of Negotiation
- Process- The way individuals negotiate
with each other is called the process of negotiation. The process includes
the various techniques and strategies employed to negotiate and reach to a
solution.
- Behavior- How two parties behave with each
other during the process of negotiation is referred to as behavior. The
way they interact with each other, the way they communicate with each
other to make their points clear all come under behavior.
- Substance- There has to be an agenda on
which individuals negotiate. A topic is important for negotiation. In the
first situation, going for the late night movie was the agenda on which
you wanted to negotiate with your parents as well as your friends.
Negotiation
↓
Process + Behavior + Substance (Agenda)
To conclude,
negotiation is simply a technique, a discussion among individuals to reach to a
mutual agreement where everyone gains something or the other and conflicts are
avoided.
9.7 Preparing
for a Successful Negotiation
Depending
on the scale of the disagreement, some preparation may be appropriate for
conducting a successful negotiation.
For
small disagreements, excessive preparation can be counter-productive because it
takes time that is better used elsewhere. It can also be seen as manipulative
because, just as it strengthens your position, it can weaken the other
person's.
However,
if you need to resolve a major disagreement, then make sure you prepare
thoroughly. Think about the following points before you start negotiating:
·
Goals:
what do you want to
get out of the negotiation? What do you think the other person wants?
·
Trades:
What do you and the
other person have that you can trade? What do you each have that the other
wants? What are you each comfortable giving away?
·
Alternatives:
If you don't reach
agreement with the other person, what alternatives do you have? Are these good
or bad? How much does it matter if you do not reach agreement? Does failure to
reach an agreement cut you out of future opportunities? And what alternatives
might the other person have?
·
Relationships:
What is the history
of the relationship? Could or should this history impact the negotiation? Will
there be any hidden issues that may influence the negotiation? How will you handle
these?
·
Expected
outcomes: What
outcome will people be expecting from this negotiation? What has the outcome
been in the past, and what precedents have been set?
·
The
consequences: What
are the consequences for you of winning or losing this negotiation? What are
the consequences for the other person?
·
Power:
Who has what power in
the relationship? Who controls resources? Who stands to lose the most if
agreement isn't reached? What power does the other person have to deliver what
you hope for?
·
Possible
solutions: Based on
all of the considerations, what possible compromises might there be?
9.8 Style is Critical
For a negotiation to
be 'win-win', both parties should feel positive about the negotiation once it's
over. This helps people keep good working relationships afterwards. This
governs the style of the negotiation – histrionics and displays of emotion are
clearly inappropriate because they undermine the rational basis of the
negotiation and because they bring a manipulative aspect to them.
Despite this, emotion
can be an important subject of discussion because people's emotional needs must
fairly be met. If emotion is not discussed where it needs to be, then the
agreement reached can be unsatisfactory and temporary. Be as detached as
possible when discussing your own emotions – perhaps discuss them as if they
belong to someone else.
9.9 Negotiating Successfully
The
negotiation itself is a careful exploration of your position and the other
person's position, with the goal of finding a mutually acceptable compromise
that gives you both as much of what you want as possible. People's positions
are rarely as fundamentally opposed as they may initially appear – the other
person may have very different goals from the ones you expect!
In
an ideal situation, you will find that the other person wants what you are
prepared to trade, and that you are prepared to give what the other person
wants.
If
this is not the case and one person must give way, then it is fair for this
person to try to negotiate some form of compensation for doing so – the scale
of this compensation will often depend on the many of the factors discussed
above. Ultimately, both sides should feel comfortable with the final solution
if the agreement is to be considered win-win.
Only
consider win-lose negotiation if you don't need to have an ongoing relationship
with the other party as, having lost, they are unlikely to want to work with
you again. Equally, you should expect that if they need to fulfill some part of
a deal in which you have "won," they may be uncooperative and
legalistic about the way they do this.
9.9.1 Negotiation
Styles and their Contexts
Depending
on the context and the people involved in negotiation, we adopt different
styles for optimum effect. The following are some of the negotiation styles we
generally use:
As
we see, different styles are used in different situations. There cannot ever be
one style that is true of all situations. A successful negotiator will always
judge the situation; the people involved and decide on an appropriate style.
Negotiation Styles
|
When to be used
|
1. Collaborating: A cooperative
approach that stresses on win-win stance. Requires creative problem solving.
|
·
Issues
are very important and involve long-term relationship.
·
Commitment
from both sides is necessary for success.
|
2. Compromise: Here, both parties
accept some amount of win and loss. The objective is to find a solution that
both parties will accept.
|
·
There
is only this alternative to a no solution situation.
·
You
need short-term settlements.
·
The
opponents are equally powerful.
·
Long-term
interests of both have to be kept in mind.
|
3. Control: Here, one ensures
that one’s personal goals are met whatever be the consequences. It is a
power-oriented approach where the only aim is to win.
|
·
The
action will be resented, but the issue is very important.
·
You
know that the other party will take advantage of your cooperative behavior.
·
Quick
action is vital and you believe that you are right.
|
4. Accommodation: The priority
here is conflict avoidance. It can be seen as lose-lose or lose-win approach
that allows the other party to win.
|
·
You
wish to create a platform for more important issues to come up.
·
You
are in a weak position and you wish to minimize loss.
·
Harmony
and stability are more important that winning.
|
5. Avoidance: This style is
characterized by evasiveness and withdrawal from the issue at hand.
|
·
People
need to cool down.
·
You
are buying time.
·
There
are more important issues pressurizing you.
·
There
is no solution and you want time to resolve the issue.
|
9.9.2 Know
Your Opponent
Before
you begin a negotiation, it helps not only to know your opponent but know how
to deal with the type of person he/she is. For convenience, plot him along the
two axes and see into which quadrant he falls.
Pick up evidence about your opponent
from the way he/she answers telephone calls, the tone of his/her voice, the way
the way he/she responds to your statements, how he/she wants the agenda to be
organized and what his/her office looks like. Finally, organize your arguments
to suit his/her type.
A person can be of the type A, B, C
OR D. Take time to know the person and suit your arguments accordingly.
Type A
i. Adopt a matter-of-fact tone.
ii. Tackle exact questions.
iii. Talk of real benefits.
iv.
Expect critical/probing questions.
v. Don’t lie. Most probably, you’ll be
caught.
Type B
i. Adopt a warm style.
ii.
Emphasis harmony.
iii.
Talk of long-term relationships.
Type C
i. Stress on long-term benefits.
ii.
Expect to be probed in depth.
iii.
Don’t presume.
iv.
Engage yourself in probing
alternative possibilities.
Type D
i. Try to build sincerity and warmth.
ii.
Most probably, he will have a
vision. Play it back to him.
iii.
Focus on possibilities of
developing people.
iv.
Tailor your details to suit him.
9.10 Common Hurdles in Negotiating
Negotiation is an extremely delicate
activity; if things go wrong, it becomes very difficult to set them right and
put the negotiation back on the track. It is sensible, thus, to approach a
negotiation cautiously and avoid committing mistakes. Some of the common
mistakes that people make during negotiations are the following:
9.10.1 Becoming
Uni-dimensional
Often
we enter a negotiation with a predetermined notion of the outcome. This makes
us rigid and incapable of looking at other perspectives. Rigidity results in
the creation of deadlocks leading to failure. This happens when one of the
negotiating parties imposes a point without bothering about the understanding
of the other party. This can cause frequent interruptions and explicit
expressions of frustration, resulting in the outright rejection of the others’
viewpoints.
Troubleshooting
i. Always
be on the lookout for non-verbal clues of disagreement, resentment or
disapproval. Encourage the other party to come out with their objections and
look at the problem from their perspective.
ii. Look
at your own agenda only as a framework that can be changed, altered or even
rejected.
iii. During
the discussion, summarize intermittently and give reviews of what is going on.
This will place the discussion in the right perspective and enable both parties
to view it objectively.
iv. Treat
the information you have and what others give you as hypothesis rather than
facts.
9.10.2 Adopting Win-Lose Attitude
Often we go to the negotiation table
wit the idea that it is a battlefield where we should win. This can have
dangerous consequences. It can result in your not appreciating the other’s
point of view and trying to impose your perspective as the only correct one.
Worse stills, it can result in personal attacks and emotional outbursts.
Troubleshooting
i. Search
for common ground in the discussion. Highlight them and see if any solution can
flow from it.
ii. Try
hard to understand the other’s perspective and avoid attacking or becoming
defensive.
iii. Think
in terms of your long-term relationship and more importantly, do not lose sight
of the real interest involved in the dispute.
9.10.3 Escaping Conflict
At times, we face problems because the
real issue goes unaddressed or gets addressed only peripherally. During such a
session we rarely have a well-set agenda and frequently the parties shift to
more comfortable topic rather than squarely addressing the problem at hand.
Sometimes even concessions are made unthinkingly which can land both the
parties involved, in trouble later. If the avoidance is not deliberate, then it
could be due to lack of proper preparation or the inability to rightly estimate
the requirements of negotiation.
Troubleshooting
i. It
the conflict is not serious, leave it alone. Time solves many such problems.
ii. Attempt
to affect the motivation of the other party if you find them not motivated.
iii. Prepare
well, gather information, identify points where agreement could be reached and
adopt an open and encouraging attitude to ensure serious participation of the
other party.
9.11 Negotiating Cultural Diversities
With increased globalization, it has
become a necessity these days to interact with different cultures and negotiate
a variety of matters. Intercultural negotiation sometimes poses problems
because what is acceptable and desirable in one culture may well be rejected in
another culture. Different groups have different ideas about protocol and
procedure. The emphasis given to preliminaries varies so also the manner in
which various elements are approached and tackled.
Japanese, for instance, consider good
negotiators, to be people who are able to perceive and exploit power, who have
high integrity, listening skills and verbal expressiveness. Americans feel that
good product knowledge along with verbal ability makes for a good negotiator.
According to the Chinese, a good negotiator must firstly be an interesting person,
have good judgment, product knowledge and intelligence. The following
parameters can be a good guide to judge the appropriate response in different
cultures:
9.11.1Parameters to Judge Different Cultures
(a) Individualism
·
Are
people expected to be loyal to their group or organization or themselves?
·
Do
individual interests prevail over collective interests or vice-versa?
·
Are
hiring, rewarding and promotion decisions, dependent on the individual’s
achievements and responsibilities?
·
Are
rules considered absolute or negotiable?
·
Are
deviant patterns of behavior acceptable or are they considered dangerous?
·
Are
people allowed to disagree openly with superiors?
·
Are
people allowed to express anger, aggression and other emotions?
(b) Status/Power
Differences
·
Is
power based on family background, gender, age or individual ability?
·
Do
prevailing systems emphasize hierarchy?
·
Does
the law stress on equal rights or is inequality among people expected and
desires?
·
Are
status symbols and privileges for the powerful accepted, popular or debunked?
(c) Time
Perception
·
Is
punctuality considered a virtue?
·
Are
people occupied primarily with their past, present or future?
·
Are
tasks and deadlines scheduled very tightly or comfortably?
·
Is
time considered short and expensive or inexpensive and flexible?
(d) Personal
Relationships
·
Are
personal relationships more important than rules and regulations?
·
Are
business contracts based on informal network and private understanding?
·
Are
relationships close and long lasting?
These are some of the parameters you
can use to develop awareness about how you have to negotiate with people from
different cultures. Remember that cultures have deep-seated biases. These are
bound to influences people’s negotiations styles. Awareness of these will help
you know and understand their responses better and eventually help you
negotiate better.
Activity
Go
to the internet and try to evaluate the importance of the following in the four
given cultural set-ups. Evaluate each as very important, moderately important and
unimportant.
Pakistani
|
British
|
Japanese
|
American
|
|
Punctuality
|
||||
Sense of
hierarchy
|
||||
Honesty
|
||||
Professionalism
|
||||
Interpersonal
relationship
|
||||
Privacy
|
||||
Individualism
|
||||
Adherence to
social norms
|
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